Ever since I heard that question for the first time in the movie “Call Me By Your Name” it has been stuck with me. I saw people getting these words tattooed, heard them getting used in confrontations and when there is such situation- which just happened to me- I always ask myself: Would I rather speak or die right now?
Most of the time the answer is to speak, simply because Im fond of words and like to use them to make people understand things they have only thought about from one perspective (Hell, I’m writing this right now, why would I choose to die?). To say certain things out loud can make them less loud in your head, they are easier when you share them with someone else rather than having to keep it all to yourself. And I’m talking about emotions. I learned that when it comes to your feelings and thoughts that occurred because (for example) a fight, then they have to be said. I always felt like I have to write it in my journal and shut it and never open it again for the next three months, tell my best friend, mom, or lover about it or a therapist or even the person the fight was with; if it’s there, it has to be out. Otherwise i might suffocate. Or lose the ability to ever speak my truth again when I wont do it this time. I’ll betray myself if I don’t validate my own feelings and let them be heard and carried from someone else. There’s this german saying a good friend of mine told me when i talked to her about this: “Sprechenden Menschen wird geholfen”and it basically means “People who speak will receive help”. And it is so simple. Yet so true and something I often forget.
As much as deeply I sometimes feel, I also understand situations where I’d rather die than ever speak a single word again. When the anger is so big you see red around the edges and just want to be understood and scream it out loud, but you also know that the person in front of you will never get it like you get it yourself. When there’s shame or pride involved, words can get tricky and so messy to use. What if I speak right now and say the wrong thing? Will the person ever talk to me again, will I ever be able to make things better again? and worse: When you know that if you speak your truth right now the person will start a fight. They won’t understand. Whether its your boss, colleague, teacher, friend, lover, parent, relative or a stranger who just bumped your shoulder hard when crossing the street: Do they even know what a shitty day it is for me to not be understood?
To be understood is to be loved. Its one of the most beautiful connections people can have with each other and it saves us daily from feeling like a teeny tiny human on this big wide world. Although i’m gonna be honest: I didn’t die when I spoke. Neither when I didn’t.
(But the things I didn’t say are still stuck with me so I made this Substack! Yay!)
